Time Flies

I belong to a on line Stage 4 breast Cancer list. There are about 800 people from about 20 different countries that read, post, or just lurk. Is has been a blessing to have this group. It is a place where you really feel you belong, others can understand your feeling, they are right there with you. These folks have been there in the middle of the night when I was paralysised with fear or sobbing because the sadness sometimes goes so deep. Whatever the time of day or the problem - the list is always there.




The list goes through it's stages - we will have weeks when so many new people introduce themselves that breast cancer really does seem like something you get from drinking the water. Then there are the weeks when people die one right after the other - some are fairly new to the list, but lately several deaths have been women that took me under their wings when I was new.



And I go through spells when I don't post much, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and just have to take a break, sometimes I feel to lazy to go through the motions, but lately the question of the newcomers have really troubled me. I have finally taken the time to look at why this may be.





The most FAQ from the new people have been " How long do you live with bone mets only?"That was my first question , my next one was " How long until it spreads?" The answer is easy - there isn't one - no one knows. But there is a lot of comfort from meeting others that have been around for up to 9 years ( they died over the summer), it gives you great hope for the future when you are only 1 to 2 years into mets. But these questions, I have figured out, have brought out my anger.





It was only 3 years ago that I was asking all the same questions, looking for reassurance that I would live another year or survive the newest treatment. Now, 3 years later, I still basically only have bone mets with involvement of the pleura - no spread to any major organs. This means that I should be doing well, no where near the end of chemo choices. Yet here I am,


facing a very uncertain future. I've known from the beginning that it is possible to die with just bone mets but I never expected it to happen to me - some how it doesn't seem fair even though the outcome is the same and the usual time line for living with breast cancer is pretty much the same.





Rationally, I know that I am not going to die tonight or tomorrow ( well, as much as any one does). My difficulty with this is the loss of control - yes I know that my sense of control is all a fantasy that I created for my own comfort................ but damm it - I love fantasies