Chemo has stopped for now, but that isn't necessarily a good thing. My markers continue to rise and I think that Dr. Grote was hoping that the chemo was causing the increase, as nothing new showed up on a new PT/CT scan. The only thing that had changed was a decrease in the activity of the tumor at T8 - everything else looked the same. My markers were repeated on Friday and again they had gone up - 25 points this time. They will recheck them monthly until ..........
Physically I feel, well, I'm not sure how I feel. Sort of sad and blue, but I don't feel doomed, but I do feel like my time is running out. I am most likely going through the 5 stages, although I'm not sure which stage I may be experiencing.
I am having more physical symptoms - nausea, no vomiting - an increasing dry cough, but I am breathing better- and back pain, my lower back hurts so bad - it feels so weak and if I stand up for even a few minutes, the pain become unbearable. I'm also having a lot of muscle and joint pain. I have had mets to the sacrum before, maybe it has come back or it could be increasing degeneration, them again, maybe I just pulled something and it will quit hurting in a day or two.
Spiritually I feel very calm and at peace. I'm in a safe place and am able to let go of more fears about what will happen after my death - when ever it is. Tim and I are very close again and I think it is because I have been able to let go of worrying about the house and other bills and have quit looking for someone to blame things on. Tim is Tim, and I wouldn't want it any other way. He always comes through, I just have to trust that everything will be as it is meant to be - let go and let G-d
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