You know, my first few post to my blog stayed on the surface - I didn't know how to get past that superficial layer with out it becoming an outlet for anger towards, dr's, family members etc. So, I quit posting - all families have fights, hurt feeling, and hidden resentments - but I didn't want to write about those things. Those feeling are fleeting but can cause permanent damage to relationships and/ or ones self esteem. The last thing I want when this life is over is for my family to go over my blog to try to somehow stay connected with me and come away feeling as if they weren't good enough, or I blamed them - I want them to feel closer to me when / or if they ever read this



I finally decided that I would use my blog, not so much as a journal of everyday life, but more like a map leading the reader with me as I continue my journey. Of course I have thrown in some personal views about various subjects and some memories that had a special impact on me. I have gone on the occasional rampage but in general I try to keep family stuff out.


By making the commitment to only write about my life, my struggles with cancer, my feeling, and only in general about how my family plays a roll in all of this, has helped, or maybe even caused me to be more reflective about life now and in the past. I have also realized that my anger and fear about finances ( kept me in a constant state of panic) has faded All of the misery I brought on myself and my family is all but gone. The people I needed around me the most were the same people I was pushing away. Now I can let them back in.

I am happy to report that my MRI was clear ! Saturday, while filling my med box, I realized that my pharmacy had switched my 20 mg SR Oxycontin to a 40 mg pill - now I only have to take one pill every morning - not two ! Gee, I wonder if overdosing myself with morphine had anything to do with my symptoms, it may even be what started my respiratory distress. At any rate most of the worrisome symptoms have gone away ( except for daily h/a) and the Prilosec seems to have helped my stomach. I'm still not hungry or even very thirsty but I can eat one or 2 small meals a day.

I'm very restless these days, can't sleep - in the past feeling of restlessness has always been followed by sudden change - not always bad - just an unexpected change. I guess the C in cancer stands for Change and maybe that is what I'm feeling or anticipating. You don't have to have special abilities to know that with cancer there will always be change. I keep asking myself if I'm just waiting to die - I really don't think so. The thought is never far from the surface, more so the last few weeks, but that will fade with time. When I turn out the light to sleep, my consciousness is not overwhelmed with thought s of death - I'm more likely to be worrying about money, or planning my next beading or painting project - giving myself a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Speaking of morning, it is almost 4 am, think I will try to sleep - good night