nothing important

I keep meaning to post, but I just haven't felt like it. I'm having a lot of digestive problem, in fact it is very hard for me to eat anything. I'm not throwing up, I just feel like I might. What is really strange about this is that as soon as food hits my mouth I start gaging - I have never been a gagger. I have lost about 8 more lbs. Not that I need to worry about loosing weight - I have plenty to get rid of- I do worry about why I am loosing weight. All of my scans as of Oct were clear, my blood work looks good except for a slight drop in hgb.

Other that stomach problems I have been experiencing some neuro symptoms. I find it extremely difficult to focus on any one thing. I have had some trouble speaking and pronouncing certain letters, not to mention that I just plain forget what I am talking about. And then there are the headaches - almost everyday, sometimes it really hurts, other times I feel all the things that go along with a h/a just not the pain. This morning I soaked in the tub and read - I kept seeing light yellow scribbled on the pages. I could move my eyes and make it go away but as soon as I started reading again it came back. Then there is always the possibility that the stomach problems are also neuro. So - do I have mets to the brain - or are all of these symptoms the results of prednisone PO and via inhalation ( thankfully I finished both of them on Sunday) and intense stress over worrying about it? I'm having a MRI of the brain tomorrow.

Of course I prefer the ladder, but I'm so scared that it is brain mets. I don't want to go that way - it never even occurred to me that that could happen. Dying with brain mets is dying before you die - "you" disappears.

Found out earlier this week that Loretta has been given less than a year to live. Now, I knew this, in fact I was sure of it, Lung cancer kills with in 2 years ( almost always). So if I knew all this why was I so shocked and saddened. It really blew me away! I told Tim that I was developing survivors guilt. But, I know that it is more likely because of my own fears about dying and the deep feeling of impending death.