The signs may be beginning to emerge

I don't know if I ever stated it here, in my blog, but in my journal about this time last year I wrote that I did not think I would make it through the winter of 09. That feeling, vision, knowing, or what ever you want to call it didn't make since - for two reasons: First, I was really doing pretty well, my markers were hanging around normal, still didn't have any mets to major organs, and as far as anyone could tell, the chemos seemed to be working - very hard on my immune system, but working. Now this will sound very trival, but to me it is a more important reason to not understand my feeling of death. 2 maybe 3 years ago I had an awareness, what I call a knowing, anyway I came to know that I would die during a huge snowfall. I love the snow!



Now, we haven't had a snow storm in at least 15 years, we had not had more that 2 or 3 inches of snow in the past 10 year, and the kids have not missed a day of school because of snow in 5 years. One thing you have to understand about Winston Salem NC, is that in years past we would get 5 to 6 inches 2 to 3 times a year and every few years we would get big beautiful snowfalls sometimes reaching 12 to 20 inches - the last time that happened my 30 y.o. son was a toddler.



The past 5 or 6 years have been the warmest on record here - temps staying in the low 100's for as long 7 to 10 days without a break, and a break was temps dropping into the high 90's. These temps started as early as May the past few years and went all the way through Sept, except this summer. May stated off really hot, but I don't think we had any days in the 100's, somedays in the high 90's, but most of the summer was right where it was suppose to be. We got plenty of rain - a first for the past 5 years and on Sept 22, the first day of fall, the temps were in the mid 70's where they have remained. I have given you this lesson in our weather as evidence of thing that may yet come.



When I came to know that I would die during a big snowfall, I figured that I had several years left as there were no signs of our weather changing anytime soon. But now the signs seem to be falling into place. My breathing has continued to worsen, fluid continues to build around my lung - even when they drained 1500 cc off one day, 3 days later it was back. That was Aug 4th - I was admitted to the hospital for what was suppose to be a simple procedure to stop the build up of fluid and would only be there a few days. That few days turned into month - shy 4 days. While there, they found a new tumors on my spine, a rib and 2 lymph nodes near areas where they good cause problem. It was also concluded that my pleural membrane was one big tumor - oh yes - my chemo had obviously quit working.



Now I have started a new chemo, the last one before we have to go back to the seriously toxic drugs, and there seems to be signs that this new chemo is not working. I know from my experience as an oncology nurse that thing can look fine one week and fall all to hell the next. Again I tell you that the signs seem to be falling into place. And as for the weather - this is first time in years that there is even a reasonable possibility that we could have a really good snowfall. I hope I am wrong - I would really like to stay around for a few more years, but if I could choose my time to go, it indeed would be during a big beautiful, silent snowfall - I can't think of anything more peaceful.

Even if I am wrong about it being this year, I do realize that my time is running out. When this chemo fails, be next it month or next year, I do not want to go through what I went through when I was first dx. At least then I knew I only had to endure 4 treatment - I could count down the months of misery. This time it will be until it works no more or the chemo it's self kills me.