Windmills and Pinwheels

My mind is ever on, sometimes like a child’s pinwheel held out the car window on the way home from the grocery store. Alternating moments of color and brilliance - like the silver shinny side of the pinwheel. Other times my mind moves at a slower pace, reminding me of old photos I’ve seen of Dutch windmills. Either way my mind is ever spinning.

As long as I can remember this has been true. As a young child it spun slowly with play, wonderment, and fantasy . A little older and the pinwheel effect was turned on when fantasy and fun turned to fear and sadness as I was removed from my home, my childhood, my Dee, and made to live with my mom. ( A whole other story ) In my 20’s my mind just spun it’s wheel, spinning faster and faster trying to figure out my past - the abuses of body, mind and spirit I had tolerated most of my life. Finally in my 30’s, with the help of intensive therapy my mind began to slow. It slowed enough to so that things could fall in to place, into appropriate places. I was finally at a place and pace in my own mind that I could not only survive I could thrive.

Thrive I did. Layer by layer the old moldy past was peeled away, examined, and filed justly - at least for the moment. Over the years some of those layers have been looked at again and again, each time with a fresh eye, new strengths, new insight, new understanding, and plain and simple - each time I had grown up a little bit more.

It is most certain that conclusions reached in the past and even my most recent conclusions will change the next time they are looked at. However, because of my medical problems, it is not likely that I will continue to have the energy, nor the time to revisit many more layers. Because of this I wanted to get on paper some type of record of me and how I viewed my life in my own words.