I had another PET Scan today but it was too late in the day to get any results back. Last time I really felt like things would be OK and they were - kind of - the scan looked OK but my numbers were going up. I don't have a clue about this one - I don't want anything to show up but I want to know why I'm having so much trouble breathing, and why I keep loosing wait.

I'm so sick of all this - this constant feeling of someone / something is always just a step or two behind me. This has really bothered me since I got out of the hospital in Aug. I know that that whole experience shook my feeling of control and safety. Of course April's attack didn't help at all.
Also, I have never gotten back to my former energy levels.

If I was on the outside looking in and didn't know about all the physical things going on, I would simply see a very depressed person. So, am I depressed? Am I depressed because I'm so tired of all this crap and tired of not feeling well. Or, is it the other away around - depression is making me feel so bad.

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty - guilty that I don't cook but 1 or 2 night a week, I clean even less. I feel guilty that I can't keep Gage full time without becoming completely overwhelmed. He has been out of school for a while. I feel so bad for Tim - we can count on one hand how many times we have had sex in the past 2 years.

Then there's the shame, am I acting, is all of this really happening, I should be able to control this. Thoughts like " Get over it Cathy and put your big girl panties". "Cathy, why are you doing this to your family, to Tim, get a dam job". All this guilt and shame eventually turn into self hate. Then the thought process changes and sounds like this - "You deserve this, deserve to be treated this way by some family members". " This is you own fault". There are many more voices but they would not make any sense unless I spent about 2 days trying to explain.

Even though it has been several months since I was in the hospital, I have recently gotten new info about some of the things that were happening. First, I remember, vaguely, talking to Jeanine and another nurse about protocols for putting me on a vent. We were in some type procedure room - I never really put in real meaning to their question. Then I found out this week that the Dr's came in to talk to Tim and me about the possibility of placing me on a vent - I don't remember any of that. I also found out that when I woke up and couldn't remember why I was in the hospital - that it was several days before my memory came back. I thought I remembered as soon as some one explained it to me. I ask Jeanine about it on Xmas and she said that she felt that it was due to my declining kidney function.