You know, my first few post to my blog stayed on the surface - I didn't know how to get past that superficial layer with out it becoming an outlet for anger towards, dr's, family members etc. So, I quit posting - all families have fights, hurt feeling, and hidden resentments - but I didn't want to write about those things. Those feeling are fleeting but can cause permanent damage to relationships and/ or ones self esteem. The last thing I want when this life is over is for my family to go over my blog to try to somehow stay connected with me and come away feeling as if they weren't good enough, or I blamed them - I want them to feel closer to me when / or if they ever read this



I finally decided that I would use my blog, not so much as a journal of everyday life, but more like a map leading the reader with me as I continue my journey. Of course I have thrown in some personal views about various subjects and some memories that had a special impact on me. I have gone on the occasional rampage but in general I try to keep family stuff out.


By making the commitment to only write about my life, my struggles with cancer, my feeling, and only in general about how my family plays a roll in all of this, has helped, or maybe even caused me to be more reflective about life now and in the past. I have also realized that my anger and fear about finances ( kept me in a constant state of panic) has faded All of the misery I brought on myself and my family is all but gone. The people I needed around me the most were the same people I was pushing away. Now I can let them back in.