Day 4

So far so good. Food still taste good and as long as I remember to take my pain meds I feel pretty good. My pain meds keep me from sleeping well but as long as I get some sleep I think I will be OK. Oh, my nose started bleeding Wednesday morning - no biggy

I keep thinking that maybe I won't get so bad this time, or " wow this is a piece of cake". I so want to believe that it will not get any worse - maybe it won't.

Someone on the list brought up wishing her mom was still alive. That reminded me of some unwritten feelings. One of my greatest sadness's is that I had no parents to hold me, love me. So many times I just wanted to be a little girl, if only for a few min. Not having their love was bad enough - but they weren't dead. In fact they lived right down the street from me but as usual, they were to absorbed in themselves to be concerned with what others were going through.

Tim's parents care deeply about me but our religious differences are so vast, I just wasn't comfortable leaning on them. Thank G-d for Tim, a few really good friends and my children. The kids are helpful to varying degrees and then only sometimes. I know this is hard on them and am sure they find it difficult to deal with me on any level but mom. I think I am afraid to allow them in to my illness also. Since Timmy lives with us he has to face the facts more than the other kids.