How do you pled ? - Guilty, Sir

I have been feeling so guilty about complaining about feeling so bad. After all, my orignal chemo was so much worse!


Then it dawned on me, last time around I was really sick for about 4 days every other week, and I could count down the treatments. In fact I often likened it to being pregnant - it is a long time not to feel well, but the end results is wonderful.


This time my chemo doesn't make me feel as sick as last time, but I aways feel bad. I may feel some better the day before and after chemo, but then it starts all over. And - it is on going, and going and going. It will go until it stops working, then I just move to something else. I may get lucky and get to go on an oral medication but from previous experience, I know that those cause just as much pain and fatigue - sometimes more.


My husband looks at me and feel so bad for me - he really wants to make me feel better but can't. I don't know how to make it ok for him - I guess I can't, so I feel guilty about that. Then there is my grandson - he's 4 and so cute. He and Timmy usually live with us and I pick him up from preschool and watch him till dad gets home. Timmy is really good about taking care of him and Gage does spend sometime with his mom and other g'mother. Right now he is not with us but will be back with in a month. I feel so much less stress knowing that I don't have to take care of him. I really don't know why, he isn't a problem and it is only for about 5 hours. More guilt



Now the guilt is really setting in. I shouldn't complain - after all I am still alive, not in immediate danger of dying, and not having the uncontrollably pain I witnessed while working for Hospice. Nor am I alone in all of this - I don't have small children I am leaving behind. Guilt, human emotion, human nature, my constant companion.