nothing important

I keep meaning to post, but I just haven't felt like it. I'm having a lot of digestive problem, in fact it is very hard for me to eat anything. I'm not throwing up, I just feel like I might. What is really strange about this is that as soon as food hits my mouth I start gaging - I have never been a gagger. I have lost about 8 more lbs. Not that I need to worry about loosing weight - I have plenty to get rid of- I do worry about why I am loosing weight. All of my scans as of Oct were clear, my blood work looks good except for a slight drop in hgb.

Other that stomach problems I have been experiencing some neuro symptoms. I find it extremely difficult to focus on any one thing. I have had some trouble speaking and pronouncing certain letters, not to mention that I just plain forget what I am talking about. And then there are the headaches - almost everyday, sometimes it really hurts, other times I feel all the things that go along with a h/a just not the pain. This morning I soaked in the tub and read - I kept seeing light yellow scribbled on the pages. I could move my eyes and make it go away but as soon as I started reading again it came back. Then there is always the possibility that the stomach problems are also neuro. So - do I have mets to the brain - or are all of these symptoms the results of prednisone PO and via inhalation ( thankfully I finished both of them on Sunday) and intense stress over worrying about it? I'm having a MRI of the brain tomorrow.

Of course I prefer the ladder, but I'm so scared that it is brain mets. I don't want to go that way - it never even occurred to me that that could happen. Dying with brain mets is dying before you die - "you" disappears.

Found out earlier this week that Loretta has been given less than a year to live. Now, I knew this, in fact I was sure of it, Lung cancer kills with in 2 years ( almost always). So if I knew all this why was I so shocked and saddened. It really blew me away! I told Tim that I was developing survivors guilt. But, I know that it is more likely because of my own fears about dying and the deep feeling of impending death.

just an update

Chemo has stopped for now, but that isn't necessarily a good thing. My markers continue to rise and I think that Dr. Grote was hoping that the chemo was causing the increase, as nothing new showed up on a new PT/CT scan. The only thing that had changed was a decrease in the activity of the tumor at T8 - everything else looked the same. My markers were repeated on Friday and again they had gone up - 25 points this time. They will recheck them monthly until ..........

Physically I feel, well, I'm not sure how I feel. Sort of sad and blue, but I don't feel doomed, but I do feel like my time is running out. I am most likely going through the 5 stages, although I'm not sure which stage I may be experiencing.

I am having more physical symptoms - nausea, no vomiting - an increasing dry cough, but I am breathing better- and back pain, my lower back hurts so bad - it feels so weak and if I stand up for even a few minutes, the pain become unbearable. I'm also having a lot of muscle and joint pain. I have had mets to the sacrum before, maybe it has come back or it could be increasing degeneration, them again, maybe I just pulled something and it will quit hurting in a day or two.

Spiritually I feel very calm and at peace. I'm in a safe place and am able to let go of more fears about what will happen after my death - when ever it is. Tim and I are very close again and I think it is because I have been able to let go of worrying about the house and other bills and have quit looking for someone to blame things on. Tim is Tim, and I wouldn't want it any other way. He always comes through, I just have to trust that everything will be as it is meant to be - let go and let G-d